85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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