I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My dick has a subreddit
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
