You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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