How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
