i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
