I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
