my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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