What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
