Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
