I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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