Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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