U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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