I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You smell like stripper and shame
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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