I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize