I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
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