Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
