I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Watching her eat just hurts me
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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