Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Randomize
