I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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