Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
