Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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