I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
