It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize