the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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