We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
