Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
