so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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