i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
