we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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