i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
