we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
