I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
