I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
