Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
