I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I supernannyed him into submission
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
