final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
