You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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