I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
