i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
