Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
