dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
