I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
