Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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