I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize