What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
