i just wanna soil my oats bro
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
