someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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