she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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