I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
