yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
