My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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