So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
