I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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