I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
