My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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