i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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