brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
