how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize